Unending battles between in-laws & spouses!.

Relationship experts and counsellors often hold that there is no marriage without problems, given the fact that the parties in the relationship are humans who are not perfect.

However, it has often shown that problems within some marriages are not the fault of the couple, but come from outside, mostly from in-laws, who interfere in the marriage of either their daughter, son, sister, brother, niece, nephew or cousin.

Reports and studies have it that most unstable marriages are linked to intestinal battles between in-laws and spouses.

Relationship counsellors say in the case of a married man, the bond between him and his mother, sisters and brothers may be so strong that they do not want to believe that he is now independent and has to be left alone to live peacefully with his wife.

The case of mothers-in-law

It has been proven that most mothers of married men are those who create problems in their sons’ homes. They often engage in some sort of tussle with their son’s wife.

Many marriages, relationship experts attest, have been ruined by interference by mothers-in-law; either the mother of the wife or that of the husband. However, the case of the mother of the husband, within the Cameroonian and African setting, is both peculiar and recurrent. 

Looking at marriage in this modern time, we can easily conclude that relationships consist of two people. But mothers-in-law have often stepped in to ruin marriages.

Partners sometimes aren’t the only participants in a marriage. For generations, mothers-in-law have been known to cause tension and conflict in marriages.

Many couples face a common issue when the mother-in-law tries to control her son of daughter’s life. When a mother-in-law wants a voice in every part of her son or daughter’s life, it can be annoying and problematic for their relationship.

She might believe that her child is not making the best choices. This may be done out of love and care for her son or daughter, but it can quickly become overwhelming for the couple if the mother-in-law is overly controlling.

Another reason a mother-in-law may try to exert control over her child’s life is if she thinks her child isn’t living up to her expectations. Usually, this is because of how she may have raised her son or daughter.

Most often, the constant criticism and judgment by a mother-in-law of her son-in-law or daughter-in-law creates tension and may break down a marriage. 

It is no secret that many people struggle with their toxic mother-in-law’s constant criticism and judgment.

This may range from parenting style, choice of clothing, or the way they do housework…the constant criticism can be really damaging, especially if the mother-in-law is always somewhere around.

Although these comments may come from a place of love and concert, experts say they can also damage the mental health of the son-in-law or daughter-in-law if they are constant or irrational.

Most often, in-laws show favouritsm to their son or daughter against the other. 

Favoritism is a natural tendency for a parent, but it can cause feelings of resentment and hurt in the other family members. It can also lead to a breakdown of trust and communication in the family.

Many couples have attested that favouritism is often a source of conflict and tension because the son or daughter-in-law may feel like they’re not important or a valued family member.

A married man in Yaounde, who did not want to be named, commenting on this, said “a mother-in-law may see her child as a priority and may not be aware of how this impacts her son’s or daughter’s spouse”.

Relationship experts also say in some cases, the mother-in-law may use emotional manipulation to control not only her child but also her son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

Ngwa Ernest, a married man in Douala, who has been a victim of this, says “a mother-in-law making her daughter-in-law feel guilty and ashamed is one such tactic. This can be accomplished in a variety of ways; like by making her feel bad about her choices, frequently comparing her to other family members, or persistently highlighting her weaknesses. The daughter-in-law’s self-esteem and mental health may be severely damaged as a result of this emotional manipulation through guilt and shame, even eventually leading to a breakup”.

Rivalry for child’s affection, attention

Most often, such interference by in-laws in marriages may be caused by rivalry for their child’s affection and attention.

Many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law often experience frequent rivalry for the affection and attention of their child, and it can be difficult to manage.

The conflict between a woman and her husband’s mother is often rooted in the mother-in-law feeling a sense of loss as her child transitions into a different family. She thus fights back fiercely to protect and control her son, and in the process, losing sight of the damage she is causing to her son’s marriage.

A Bamenda-based businessman, Ephraim Nji, said when he got married, as an only child, his mother found it difficult to stop trying to control his life.

“When I got married, my mother still continued interfering in my private life. I knew it was out of her dying love for me, but her attitude kept my wife feeling uncomfortable. I realised that my mother’s interference was breaking my marriage and so I had to call her to order,” Nji said.

Relationship experts, however, say the likes of Nji, in the Cameroon context, can be counted with the fingers of the hand.

“I abandoned my matrimonial home, after more than 10 years in marriage, because my husband was still acting like a school boy. Not only did he recount almost everything to his mother, he allowed his mother to dictate how we had to run our home and bring up our children. Things came to a head when my mother-in-law tried to control my movements and the kind of dresses I had to be wearing. I was left with no choice but to quit,” a divorcee, identified simply as Comfort, told this reporter. 

Intrusion

Most often, in-laws are seen as intrusive, demanding and lacking in understanding of the couple’s needs and wants. Some of them are difficult to get along with when it comes to a couple’s relationship.

This is the case with a married man in Limbe, who preferred to be referred to, simply as Ekema. 

He said his sisters, brothers and mothers kept intruding in his marriage.

“Sometimes when I failed to meet their financial demands, they confronted my wife and accused her of ‘eating my mother’ while they suffered. It was so frustrating for my wife and I. Thank God my wife understood with me when I explained things to her,” Ekema said. 

“According to my mother, brothers and sisters, whatever I did not do for them, my wife was to blame. They didn’t want to understand that I was already married and building my own family,” he regretted.

Meanwhile, it has emerged that most sisters-in-law who interfere and cause problems in their brother’s or sister’s marriage are those who are not married or have abandoned their matrimonial homes. 

Adamu Garba, resident in Bertoua in the East Region, said it is these type of sisters who always create problems by pitting their brothers or sisters against their spouses.

“One of the damaging things an in-law can do is when they bad-mouth their relative’s spouse, sometimes for no valid reason,” he said.

He added that: “Many in-laws may have a hard time recognising their son, daughter, sister or brother’s spouse as a valid individual in the family. All they believe in is their relation with the relative and nothing else”. 

Reports hold, stories of mothers and sisters-in-law interfering in the marital affairs of their sons and brothers respectively, have pushed many girls to think twice before accepting to get married to man whose mother is still alive and whose sisters are divorcees or yet to get married.

“If you get married and accept to live with your mother and sisters-in-law, be sure that you have an unending score to settle with them. I say this from my own experience. My husband and I lived a very happy marital life until he decided to bring in his mother and two of her sisters whose marriages had crumbled. They saw all my moves as intended to humiliate or challenge them. They said all kinds of things about me, including accusing me of having charmed their son and brother. To them, I was the worse married woman in Cameroon. It came to a point we had to cook separately. But my in-laws would not allow my husband to eat my own food. It came to a point I could not stomach it, so I had to quit,” Comfort Ndeh, who divorced her husband two years ago, narrated to The Guardian Post Sunday.

Relationship experts say hair-splitting stories like those shared by Comfort Ndeh, are the reasons most women refuse living with their in-laws after getting married.

“If a woman gets married and accepts to live with her in-laws, let her be sure she would end up being labelled as a bad woman. They may be exceptional cases, but such exceptional cases are rare to come by,” Morine Nfor, a relationship expert told this reporter.   

While such battles between in-laws and wives are sometimes inevitable, Fru Abongwa, who has gone through such, said: “Open communication is essential in any relationship, especially when dealing with issues with your in-laws. It can be difficult to approach a tough conversation with someone who holds a special place in your spouse’s heart. Still, open communication and honest dialogue can help you resolve any issues”.

“Prepare yourself to be as respectful and as diplomatic as possible and avoid personal attacks or criticisms,” he said.